Stuck

I feel stuck. Like spinning wheels in the mud, running in place, or turning in circles. The days are whizzing by, but seeming to crawl...i wish them away by craving quiet, and while I often cherish the moments, I also often wish for nap time, wish for bed time...way too often. I feel stuck because I know it is time to have a baby...and I want to be pregnant, but i don't want to gain weight, be tired, be a mean mommy...all things that seem to come with the pregnancy. Sigh.

But, i want to have another baby. My arms need someone to take care of...i need to hold and smell and sing to MY baby. I hold other babies, and while they are sweet...they are not mine. I am ready to have mine. No baby will replace Garrett...that is not what I need. But I don't doubt a peice i don't quite relize is hurting will be healed when I have another. I think my kids need to have a baby in the home...they ask all the time, and I want that for them. I want it for us. I want to know we can do it. Juggle it all, all the craziness, all the love, all the unmet needs, the unmet wants of my kids and husband. Today is a day where it feels like I fell short...all day. I want to know that I can do it.

Because today was a day I don't quite believe that I can...